35 Bishashi AUs
by MsLyoness
Summary: Is Bishamonten/Shashi crack? Of course it is. Is it fun to write anyway? Same answer. Give it a shot, if only because there's Taishakuten/Lord Ashura in a number of these. The character filter reflects the most recent installment, and so does the genre filter.


1. **Stealing Your Fiancée**

_Poor, poor Ashuraou Goldfire. (Humor, T)_

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(Author's Notes: Told you I'd do it, didn't I? Thirty-five short stories involving the General of the Northland who angsts after the wife he forced to marry him, and the scheming queen who wants to get rid of him and anybody else in her way. Lordy, lordy. If you think I believe this pairing has any basis in canon, you're mistaken. It's fully crack, there's no way it's not, but I love it anyway.

Some stories will involve Kisshouten, Taishakuten and/or Lord Ashura [often as love interests, like in this one], Tenou, and Ashura, some won't. There's fluff, and humor, and angst, and drama, and even some fanservice-y adult stuff. Just like the others, the really naughty ones go on that Adultfanfiction site, if you're one of those people who can accept this pairing enough to want to see them get it on in detail [or you want Taishakuten/Bishamonten yaoi in the same story, in one case]. Or you just like reading about straight sex with beautiful people, whichever.

Anyway! Let's see Shashi cheat on Lord Ashura with not Taishakuten, but Bishamonten. Heck, let's see Taishakuten hit on a nervous Lord Ashura!)

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"Oh, Ashuraou," Shashi Queenling tittered, playing with a lock of her fiancé's hair, "I think I need some new pearls. The ones I'm wearing right now are the ones I wore for the past three occasions!"

Ashuraou Goldfire smiled indulgently and promised, "Yes darling, I'll get you some new pearls as soon as I can. My future wife has to have the best, after all!" he proclaimed, and Shashi beamed like the sun and gave him a kiss, while the other members of the party forced smiles.

_Sucker, _Zouchouten Lesud thought with pity.

_Kiss your balls goodbye, _Koumokuten Weston thought with much contempt.

_It's like taking candy from a baby, _Bishamonten Northward thought with a sort of fascination.

_I would never ask for jewelry from you, my dear Ashuraou, _Taishakuten Thunderstaff thought with an eye on Ashuraou's lips. _Oh Shashi my dear, you really are living the good life now, aren't you?_

She was, to quote Koumokuten, "the gold-diggiest gold-digger in the history of gold-diggerdom." She'd started out a theater actress who'd tried unsuccessfully to break into movies, but once she'd snared Ashuraou, she didn't need to work at all. He paid her rent in her penthouse apartment, he bought her diamonds and all sorts of other jewelry, he paid for her wardrobe, and he'd even bought her an expensive car. He could afford it, because he was a billionaire playboy, but still.

In fact, all the men present were billionaires. Zouchouten had been a calming influence during Ashuraou's wilder days as a teenager and college student, and from Zouchouten Ashuraou had gotten to know Koumokuten, who threw fun parties where money was spent like it was going out of style. Bishamonten had been a college pal, and more than happy to become part of the clique, and Taishakuten – well, Taishakuten was a rising Hollywood star, but that wasn't how he'd joined the group.

Ashuraou was scared of Taishakuten, honestly. The jerk was a psycho, and kept staring at his crotch and making little innuendos. Constantly. The offended brunette wanted to send him to an all-expenses-paid trip to Neuterville, because the only way he'd sleep with that fucker would be if Taishakuten had something he wanted over everything else in the world. And seeing as Taishakuten did not, in fact, possess the potential to bear his children, he was a nuisance bordering on a stalker, so far anyway.

But Ashuraou couldn't be rude to him, that was the thing. Because Taishakuten was Shashi's best friend, and had been for ten years. Back in high school, they'd dated and in fact been the first people they'd respectively slept with. And then he'd come out of the closet and surrounded himself with a harem of jocks, because his personality was just that forceful.

His confession to her had gone like this: they'd been walking down a mall hallway, each bearing bags of trendy clothes and hair care products, and he'd said out of the blue, "Shashi, your suspicions are correct. I've realized that I'm gay."

"Oh, all right then," had been her nonchalant response. "Ever since we tried sleeping together, I thought you might be. Well, Taishie, do you have anyone in mind you want to sleep with instead?" she'd asked, always someone who wanted to know intimate details.

"Johnny Depp and Leonardo DiCaprio," he'd promptly replied. "Or maybe that sexy Justin Timberlake. As for an _obtainable _boyfriend, I think Donny Martins from my Geometry class is so hot, and I hear rumors he's bisexual."

"I hear those too! Ooh Taishie, we have to get you two together!" she'd decided with a firm nod, and that had been that, they were planning conquests.

Nobody had dared to tell Taishakuten to his face, "God says homosexuality is a sin and you're going to Hell!" Oh, many had thought it, but one sharp glance from those dead eyes and they'd shut their mouths before they could speak a single syllable. Sure they bashed him in private, but nobody had even anonymously vandalized his locker or car, because they knew if they did, they might be checking in with their beloved bigoted God sooner than they'd expected. He was unbalanced, it was clear to see, and a lawsuit by their families and getting him locked away would be no consolation whatsoever once they were dead.

Anyway, Shashi and Taishakuten had stayed pals after high school. After all, they were both selfish, power-hungry, and very mean people. And it soothed her ego that the one guy who hadn't been gaga for her was gay. So ha, she was still a goddess! And this way, they could discuss sexy men all the livelong day, and if they ever found somebody they wanted who swung the opposite way, they sent that man over to their best friend.

But she seemed unable to see that Taishakuten was in love with her fiancé. Then again, perhaps she did notice, but wasn't worried? Zouchouten had to wonder if that were the case as Ashuraou smiled at her, looking incredibly infatuated and in for some asset-draining, to Zouchouten's critical eye.

That was when Taishakuten's exceedingly appropriate ringtone made an appearance, with Enrique Iglesias proclaiming, "If you feeeeel like leavin' – I'm not gonna make you stay – But soooon, you'll be findin' –" It got even louder now, "– You can run, you can hide, but you can't escape my love!"

Throughout this chorus Taishakuten had been wolf-grinning at Ashuraou, who'd been trying to look anywhere but at him. Just like always, Shashi missed this, this time because she was applying more lip gloss. Zouchouten and Koumokuten had picked up on it though, and sent each other perturbed looks. Zouchouten also considered telling Ashuraou to arm himself, in case Taishakuten ever paid him a late-night visit.

Bishamonten just shot Taishakuten a "You so didn't" amused glance, and now they grinned evilly at each other. Bishamonten liked Taishakuten, and Shashi's best friend liked him too. Personally, Bishamonten thought this was funny as hell, since Ashuraou was so obviously straight, but Taishakuten couldn't seem to comprehend that. Still, if anyone could convince a straight man to hop into bed with him, it would probably be Taishakuten, who kept a chart of men he'd boinked. Most were secretly at least bi, but every so often he landed himself a drunken, merely curious straight one.

Taishakuten answered his phone, with a casual, "This is Taishakuten," as Shashi returned her attention to the table and Ashuraou latched onto her. He had an air of desperation – but then, to Shashi, he'd always had an air of desperation, one that screamed, "I am searching for a worthy woman to bear my children! I _must _be a father, but only within matrimony!"

This is what happens when evolution meets Catholicism. Ashuraou was rather devout, and as such, he had refrained from sexual activity with Shashi so far. Granted he'd had some regrettable incidents in high school and college involving loss of chastity, but God had forgiven him! And he was making up for it now, oh yes he was. Shashi kept pushing him for sex, but nope, Ashuraou was steadfast. Eventually he would crack, if the moved-up wedding didn't come fast enough, but it probably would since it was only four months away.

But he did actually love her, for reasons Zouchouten and Koumokuten couldn't figure out. These reasons were that she loudly proclaimed how much she loved him, never argued with him for very long, let him have his way in everything, and was, of course, very sexy and beautiful, plus intelligent. Intelligence was good, because Ashuraou would rather have smart children than dumb ones.

"Ashuraou honey," she was saying right then, "I'm so excited for our honeymoon! Hawai'i… there's no place on Earth I'd rather be than watching the tropical sunset with _you_."

"And the same goes for me, Shashi," he enthusiastically replied, even though it wasn't actually true. More than anything else, he wanted to be in a maternity ward where his children were being born, but oh well, Hawai'ian sunsets were good too, especially if they had sex on the beach.

Conversation continued along those lines, the other four forcing smiles and trying not to laugh at the lovebirds' stupid terms of endearment, and then Ashuraou's phone vibrated. Ah, a text from Kuyou Starseer, but he wasn't going to be rude and answer it when he was talking to his companions. Kuyou was actually blind and had been since birth, but luckily, her phone was voice-activated and could turn her words into texts. All praise the march forwards of modern technology!

Kuyou was _Ashuraou's _best friend, and like Taishakuten, she was desperately in love with him. Unlike Taishakuten, she'd never breathed a word of it to anyone, and would never seriously entertain the idea of enticing him into cheating. Nope, poor Kuyou just suffered in silence, and forced herself to be nice to Shashi even though she hated her. She had of course at first attempted to warn her beloved that his girlfriend only cared about his money, but she'd gotten the response of "No she doesn't, she says she loves me for my mind and my body! See, she's honest, Kuyou."

Being patently dishonest, Shashi then said, "Oh Ashuraou darling, I love you more than anything! It's torture waiting for our wedding, precious. These next four months will go by like four years!"

"For me too, Shashi dearest," was his fervent reply, then Koumokuten chipped in with, "Yup, the man is incredibly sexually frustrated."

"That's not why," Ashuraou lied snappishly, and Koumokuten smiled, nodded, and thought, _How dumb do you think I am? You're waiting to have sex until the wedding night, pal._

Everyone here would be involved in the wedding, even Taishakuten. Kuyou would be involved too as a bridesmaid, as would Shashi's twin half-sister Kahra (their mommy liked threesomes) as the maid of honor. Bishamonten was the one who'd been asked to be the best man, mostly for his visual appeal. After all, Koumokuten wasn't attractive at all, and Zouchouten's eyebrows needed to be shaped, desperately. But Bishamonten… his hair was a little oddly styled, but boy oh boy, did he have a handsome face with gorgeous black eyes, and such nice eyebrows too.

Ashuraou's twelve cousins had been annoyed by this. His closest cousin Dvaadash, the one who spoke for them as a whole, had slammed his coffee mug down so hard it broke, and yelled, "Why does our cousin have to be marrying such a bitch?! This is _Shashi's _fault, that we're just the ushers and Ashuraou's mere _friends _are in the wedding party!"

"You wanna know what she did the other day?" another one had whined. "She swung a golf club in his living room and broke the statuette my wife and I gave him, and he just said, 'Don't fret dearheart, it was ugly anyway'! I say we band together and break them up!"

"All for one, and one for all!" they'd all yelled, those with intact coffee mugs clinking them together.

But the thing was, they were pushovers when set against Ashuraou's commanding personality. They'd all psyched themselves up for a talk with him, and then one man had persuaded twelve men into falling into line and to stop belittling his "precious darling." And then of course he'd told Shashi what they'd said, so Shashi became even nastier to the cousins after that. Yup, they were screwed.  
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The next afternoon, Ashuraou was driving to Kuyou's house to take her out to the park, because he worried when she went out alone. How could she hope to protect herself from those who might target a disabled person? Nope, it was his solemn duty as her best friend to make sure she was safe. Ashuraou was very, very good at protecting people, and –

His phone buzzed, and stupidly, he took his eyes off the road to answer it, which is never a good idea, no matter how many times you've been lucky before. And then, when he saw what the text was and who had sent it, his driving got even more erratic in his agitation.

Well looky here. Taishakuten had texted him a naked picture of himself. With his face flaming red, Ashuraou hastily deleted it, then equally hastily avoided hitting another car as horns blared.

"Don't blame me, blame Taishakuten!" he snarled to his windshield, as the other driver flicked him off. "Why oh _why _isn't that man locked up?! What's so great about him anyway?!"

Well, Taishakuten was incredibly handsome, beautiful even. His long silver hair was very nice, probably quite silky judging by the looks of it. He was intelligent, dedicated, and a very strong person. All of these were attractive qualities… if they'd belonged to a woman. Maybe if he got a sex change – actually no, how would he have a uterus and thus be able to bear children then?

Okay yeah, fine, Ashuraou had once had feelings for another male, but he'd confessed his sins and immersed himself in the Church's teachings about homosexuality, namely that it was a sin and people with a same-sex attraction were required to be celibate and never even date someone of that sex. Unfair? Well of course it was, but this is the Catholic Church we're talking about, the one that refuses to allow the female half of humanity to be in the clergy and thus have some say in shaping its policies for women.

So. Taishakuten = bad. Simple as that, in Ashuraou's mind. Unfortunately, it was not so simple in Taishakuten's mind, where attraction to Ashuraou + rejection and fear = grounds for continued attention. He had to have him! Ashuraou was everything he wanted in a man, down to the exotic coloring: pale skin, black hair, and mesmerizing golden eyes. Yes, he was a hottie, and Taishakuten had vowed that this hottie would be his. His loudly-proclaimed heterosexuality? Ho ho, Taishakuten was convinced that he could turn him to the path of man-love.

Muttering under his breath and calling Taishakuten all sorts of nasty names, Ashuraou made it to Kuyou's house. He parked in front of the very nice mansion, because Kuyou was a celebrated recording artist, strode up the front walk with a smile, and was soon inside her neatly kept house. But before they went to the park, there was something he had to do.

"Hold on Kuyou, I need to call Shashi," he told her apologetically. "I haven't called her yet today."

_Rub it in, why don't you, _Kuyou thought sourly, but forced a smile and replied, "Well then you'd better call her now."

That was just with he did, smiling and hitting her number, because it was first on the list, even before 911 (bad idea). She didn't pick up immediately, but eventually the ringing stopped and those musical tones greeted, "Hello Ashuraou pookie! How are you?"

"Just fine, sweetums. How's my beloved Shashi?" he crooned, as Kuyou gritted her teeth in the background. "Is she doing well, I hope? Is she happy like she deserves to be happy?"

"Well, I'm in bed right now," she told him. "Lounging about, probably going to take a nap. Oh, and one more thing, Ashuraou dear… I'm _naked_, and I was just thinking of you," she cooed, and she spoke the truth.

Ashuraou beamed. Excellent, she'd been so needy for him she'd had to get herself off! Good, good. Desperate, insatiable women upped their chances to be desperate, insatiable mothers, and if things continued like this, he'd be banging her every night and hopefully some days besides when they were married. He could handle such a thing, he assured himself, even though _he_ tended not to have to get himself off for days at a time.

"Well, Shashi, I hope you had an enjoyable time with that," he smiled into the phone. "I'll let you go so you can sleep, then. Goodbye, my darling fiancée. I love and adore you!"

"I love you too, Ashuraou," Shashi giggled, a hand running through her hair. "Bye-bye, honeybunchkins."

She'd barely hung up before that hand's owner sighed, "Shashi, that is a completely asinine nickname. I had to hold myself back from laughing at its stupidity. You might as well call him 'booboo' or something."

Yup. While Ashuraou was sending declarations of love through the phone, one of his best friends was in bed with his fiancée. And had just made her scream, "You're so much _better _than Ashuraou could ever hope to be!" and all sorts of naughty things, none of which had involved the term "honeybunchkins."

Bishamonten continued, "Was it his idea, or yours? If it was his, he's stupider than I ever thought possible."

"No, it was mine, but he laps it up," she smirked, turning to him. "Like a dog finding a puddle of gravy. I think he privately agrees with you that it's asinine, but just thinks oh well, it shows how head-over-heels in love with him I am."

They both snickered at that one.

How had this begun? Had Shashi secretly been sleeping with Bishamonten before Ashuraou? Had he _told _her to go after him as some sort of cruel prank? Nope. This had only begun about a week before the proposal, assisted by some excellent wine, a private whirlpool, and a conversation on, "You know, Bishamonten, he doesn't really _satisfy _me. And he's dumb, leaving me all alone with you! Most men would have the brains to think something might happen. …Would you _like _something to happen?"

_Why_ had this begun? For the aforementioned reasons, plus a few others like cheating was thrilling, and Bishamonten still hadn't forgiven Ashuraou for the time he'd lost a major bet and had to buy him a car. And they knew each other well, and liked each other, and things like that.

And because they liked each other so much, she'd admitted, "Oh, Ashuraou's a coup to me, but surely you knew that already. You won't tell, will you?" she'd mock-pouted, using big, shining, pleading eyes for humorous effect.

"No, of course not," he'd smirked in reply. "If he's not smart enough to figure that out himself, _I'm _not about to tell him. Now, ready for Round Three?"

Now, he idly twirled a strand of her hair as he sighed, "The man is _such _a fool. You'd think he'd suspect something, but no. No, I'm over here all the time, and all of your neighbors have picked up on what's going on, but does he think to ask them if another man comes around? Of course not. That time when he came over and you hid me in the closet, he didn't even notice that my car was parked in the parking lot. Shashi, you couldn't have picked a more gullible fiancé if you'd tried."

"It's amazing, isn't it?" she sighed, snuggling into his side. "He's so smart everywhere else, but he's blind where I'm concerned. I, on the other hand, want Kuyou away from him. So far she's respecting my ownership, but what if it changes?"

Bishamonten thought to himself, _I'd be more worried about Taishakuten not respecting his boundaries, and his right to say "no," _but let it go unspoken. He didn't care what Taishakuten might pull. So instead, he sighed, "I know Kuyou well, and she is a passive person. She would never dream of trying to steal him from you, I'll bet you a diamond necklace."

"Ooh, diamonds," Shashi slavered lustfully. "But I certainly hope you're right."

Silence for a while, as she traced patterns all over his right pectoral and he watched this with a little smile. They were quite used to each other's bodies, and each knew all the right spots to touch and which were too sensitive. My, sleeping with Ashuraou was bound to be somewhat disappointing, as the man hadn't had any for four years and had no idea what Shashi liked and didn't like. Bishamonten would've been more than happy to smugly tell him, but that was a bad idea.

Shashi was fond of Bishamonten. Not in love with him, but fond of him. And so far, she'd seen no signs that he was in love with her. Nope, surely his enthusiasm for pleasing her even at his own expense, his impeccable manners, the way he never talked down to her, and the way he stroked her hair when she was asleep just meant that he was merely fond of her too. Although to be fair, she had no way of knowing about the hair-stroking, or his diary filled with sappy sentences like, "I could drown in the brown oceans of her eyes, happily and with no regrets." Yup.

Or, "Let me describe my darling Shashi, Diary, and you too will be amazed at her. She is of average height for a woman, which is perfectly fine with me because she's still below my level when wearing those sexy-as-all-get-out eight-inch heels. Her hair is a glorious, rich, almost black brown, and it's worn past her waist except for her bangs, which have a shorter part and a longer part. Her face is the fairest I have ever seen except for Kisshouten's – well, never mind, I shouldn't dwell on my high school girlfriend whose father almost got me locked away for 'statutory rape.'

"What _bullshit_, Tentei! She was three days away from her eighteenth birthday! But did that matter to you? _Noooo._ You shipped her off to a college on the other side of the country and forbade any contact! You stuck-up –

"Ahem. Disregard that last paragraph, Diary, we're talking about Shashi now. _Shashi _has red lips that know all sorts of enjoyable things, and slender, long-nailed hands that know all sorts of things as well. Her figure is perfect, with large perky breasts (I think they're actually real), a thin waist, and nice wide hips, suitable for bearing children. She likes to dress in provocative clothes, short skirts and low-cut tops, and how hard it is not to stare when Ashuraou's around!

"I thrill to her, with every atom of my being. How I lament not realizing my feelings sooner! Had I but known that I would come to love her so much, I would have beaten Ashuraou to the proposal punch. But alas, it was only through months of very enjoyable sex that I came to realize just how much she means to me."

Completely ignorant of Bishamonten's private outpourings of woe, Shashi patted his abs and purred, "Well, Bishamonten, enough about Ashuraou. I'm feeling a little sleepy. Will you help me go to sleep with that petting thing you do?"

"Most certainly, Shashi."

And so she stretched out and he stroked his hands down her body, humming a soothing tune. Soon her breathing was deep and regular, and she drifted off into a dreamland where the world was made of money and everybody bowed to her as their queen. What a lovely dream!

Finally, when he'd ascertained that she was asleep by whispering her name, he sighed and sat up, running a hand through his loose hair. It was such a pretty red, but had she ever said anything to that effect? No, of course not. The compliments she gave him were along the lines of "Ooh, you're so _big!_", "You have such a yummy body," "You're smarter than Ashuraou," and "Sometimes I wish my eyes looked more like yours."

No "You're so _big_, and you make me feel better than any man before!", "I love a man with a good body, and yours makes me long for it," "You're so smart, and I'm grateful for the way you use that brain to help solve my problems," or "Your eyes are so beautiful, I could stare into them for hours." Well, what could he honestly expect? This was Shashi here, and Shashi was coldhearted and calculating, possibly incapable of love. He hoped she wasn't, but the odds were that she was.

It was maddening, and the worst part was that it was all of his own making. It would have been wiser to resist her seduction in the whirlpool, or to have used his brain and realized that he was starting to fall for her even though she didn't love him back, or stopped the affair altogether once he belatedly knew what this feeling was. But like a complete dunce, he let it continue, stupidly hoping that she'd come to love him in return. Hope springs eternal in the mind of the lover.

A logical question here would be, "Why is this supposedly smart man gaga for someone who's clearly a gold-digger, has no problem cheating, is mean, gives him nothing in the way of love, and thinks money and looks are more important than personality and intelligence?" The answer would be this: "He admires her strength of character, is floored by her beauty and sexuality, and is a closet romantic who thinks love can change a person."

But. He was also a very manipulative individual. Even if she never came to love him, he would still have her body, which was a zillion times better than nothing. So, while some days he dreamed of confessing and of her confessing back, most days he knew that the best course of action would be continuing to act as if this were a purely physical affair. Whether or not she showed interest later would guide his actions down the road, but for now, silence and a front of indifference were the way to go.

He looked back down at her, and murmured, "Let's play pretend, Shashi darling. I'll just imagine that you're my wife, and I've made you scream sentiments of love and devotion in addition to arousal. And now, wifey, I am going to cuddle up next to you, while you conceive twins that will be loved very much."

And that was just what he did. Except, you know, Shashi darling was on birth control, so the twins conception that _would've _occurred was negated. Poor Bishamonten, lucky Shashi.  
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Two days later, Shashi was gloating over something again. This time, it was the fact that she was getting married in a cathedral, unlike all the other unimportant people who got married in mere regular churches, outside, in a hall or something, or at the courthouse. Courthouse weddings were for losers! You couldn't have a big production at the courthouse, after all, and Shashi and Ashuraou's wedding was the sort of production _People_ magazine would feature.

The media was invited, but of course. Everybody had to see how gorgeous and lucky Shashi was, and how handsome and rich Ashuraou was. The reception was catered by a gourmet celebrity chef, and would take place at an exclusive country clubhouse, the type where rich people talked about big, world-shaking business deals after a leisurely round of golf. Again, the media was invited, but only the _quality _media. No local newspaper nobodies for Shashi and Ashuraou! Oh well, the local newspaper reporters could wait outside on the street by the Cathedral of Saint Kendappa the Eternally Chaste, like all the common gawkers.

Saint Kendappa the Eternally Chaste, according to legend, was a noblewoman who'd been ordered to marry a warlord back in the day. But hearing the call of the Lord, she'd instead taken an army and run off to a neighboring kingdom, then fought the warlord's forces off when they'd tried to bring her back. She'd founded a nunnery and lived her life devoted to the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, and Mary the Virgin, and was the patron saint of impossible escapes and virgin women.

In reality, Kendappa had been a lesbian, one who'd had a wild thing going with her head handmaiden, Souma. She had indeed taken an army, defeated a battalion, and founded a nunnery, but guess who'd lived in her room with her? Oh well, they'd kept it secret and fooled everybody, including the Catholic Church. Eternally chaste? Only in a "never been with a man" sense, and that didn't really count.

Anyway, to get married in a regular Catholic church, you had to both be Catholic, so Shashi had "converted." To get married in a Catholic _cathedral_, you had to march in lock-step with the hierarchy on everything… or at least, you had to make them think you did.

Shashi and Ashuraou, like every Catholic couple wanting to get married in the Church, had to go through classes on Church teaching, taught by a befuddled moron who took the Bible literally. And Natural Family Planning, taught by a couple with seven kids. Shashi found that last one incredibly lulzy; if that wasn't a clear example of NFP not working, nothing was. So she amused herself by IRL trolling them. She acted like she believed it all, asked really stupid questions and said really stupid things, and they believed _her_ like a teenybopper finding another OMG hueg fan! ! ! ! of two clearly straight men who hated each other, but were paired.

"Did Jesus invent NFP?" she'd ask, her eyes wide and guileless. "Or is it an Old Testament Moses thing?"

"Neither," Mrs. (not Ms!) Powderhorn would smile, maternally. "NFP is God's way of letting couples know when the right time is for them to have a child, and it's based on a woman's monthly cycle. It brings the husband and wife _closer _together with all the time they have to take doing it, and opens their minds to the joys of children."

"So sex within marriage between a man and a woman is a gift from God, but we can't do it and be close whenever we want because God says birth control is evil? You're saying that when we're super-horny and it's that time when I might conceive, God is telling me to suck Ashuraou off?" Shashi would ask solemnly.

"Well, um, God _does _want you to obey and please your husband, that's what being a woman is all about," Mrs. Powderhorn would bluster, going pink. "But I'd rather you didn't use such crude phrases, dear."

Ashuraou would give Shashi a confused look, because she'd been very against going to this mandatory class. And here she was into it! Personally, he thought NFP, if used correctly, might be a problem, because if they weren't having sex when she ovulated there was no chance of conception.

But here was the glorious thing its proponents liked to gloss over: it took, on _average_, six months to a _year_ to get NFP down, and if you didn't have backup birth control, your chances for a kid were much higher than with contraception. And boy, if you had irregular periods or difficult periods, well, too bad for you, because that just meant God was testing your faith when you suffered or couldn't accurately predict fertile and non-fertile days.

NFP proponents loudly trumpeted that God said all forms of contraception (even if used medicinally) were of the Devil, so if you conceived, surely that was God's plan for you to suffer through an unwanted pregnancy and resent your baby! And of course abortion was a bigger no-no than genocide to these people. But couples got frustrated with NFP and horny, it was a basic fact. Plus a woman needed her husband's help to keep track of those fertile and non-fertile days, so Ashuraou would just make lots of "mistakes."

And when whoops, looks like they didn't time that right, he could just say something like, "Well, I think God _wants _us to have this baby now. After all, NFP is all about the sacred gift of children and being open to God's plan for them!"

"Give me the pill any day," Shashi sneered to Bishamonten one afternoon, in the bedroom of his mansion while Ashuraou was off getting measured for his tuxedo. "This is ludicrous. You know, Bishamonten, I'm starting to think he's marrying me just so he can have a kid minus the stigma of having it out of wedlock."

"Well, you're marrying _him _for the cold, hard cash," he patiently pointed out.

"Well, yes," she huffed, throwing the sheets off, "but that's different! A girl's gotta look out for herself financially. And I am _so _keeping my birth control, I'll just hide it from him. Nobody makes me get fat if I don't want to!"

As she said this she got up and crossed to the balcony, buck naked but that was fine, there were only trees out there anyway. The birds and squirrels wouldn't care, they were naked too. And this was one of those perks of being gorgeous: you didn't have to worry your partner might see extra pounds on you that he hadn't noticed before because he was so busy. Nope, he could just ogle you from another angle.

"Bishamonten," she sighed, striking a pose leaning against the door, "_you _at least hate children too."

"Bratty little twerps," he agreed with a perfect poker face, reaching over to the wine set on the nightstand. "But listen, Shashi… you know, the more we talk, the more I come to realize how perfect for each other we are."

"Oh?" she asked, turning to look at him over her shoulder.

Uh-oh, here came the speech about, "I've fallen deep in love with you, and I can't bear it anymore! Please, desire of my heart, break it off with Ashuraou and marry _me _instead! Every minute we're apart tears at my soul, you beautiful creature, and only _you _can satisfy this longing for love in my breast. _Come _to me, Shashi Queenling, and I shall take you in my arms and bind our hearts together forevermore."

But no. He smirked and told her, "We're both very arrogant people. You make dressmakers cry, I make waiters want to go commit suicide. You lord it over people you knew before you met Ashuraou, I think anyone who's not upper middle-class is dirt beneath my shoes. We're also both very selfish people. You're marrying a man for money, and you're demanding more and more expensive gifts as you go. I refuse to give a cent to charity, and demand that I get what I want at others' expense.

"We also," he murmured, pouring himself a glass of fabulous wine, "don't care a whit about fidelity. I find it amusing that you're cheating on your fiancé with his close friend, and I think you get off on that, I really do. And it'll continue, I can tell. You're bored with him, you need some… _stimulation._"

He poured another glass, and held it out to her as he went on, "Not to mention we're both exceedingly attractive people, who put great stock in our appearances. After all, that's what got you Ashuraou's attention. I myself will go to my grave looking fabulous, having had so many Botox injections my face will probably never decompose."

She came over and accepted the glass, smiling. Good, no stupid "I adore you for your _soul_" lines. Bishamonten was an intelligent man, and she chastised herself for being so silly that she thought he'd be a romantic fool.

"And then, of course," he continued as he raised his glass in a toast, "we complement each other _sexually _as well. You're insatiable, I can go all night and into the morning, and we like a lot of the same things. Remember the blindfold and the feather duster, Shashi? _I _certainly do, with great pleasure."

"We are a lot alike," she agreed, sitting on the edge of the bed facing him, and then tittering, "And here I thought you were going to say you _love _me."

"Oh, but I _do _love you," he told her as nonchalantly as possible, then sipped some wine. After he was done with that, he continued, "But I'm smart enough to see that you probably don't love me in return, yet I can have you near me with my body and assets. And truly, you have such fun in bed with me, I can tell, and you _like _me quite a bit."

She gaped at him, and she felt impressed, honestly. He was just as manipulative as she was, if he could think like that. And he made it sound so simple, so matter-of-fact, no flowery speeches or demands for reciprocal affections.

"Bishamonten… you know, I mean, I sure _do_ like you an awful lot," she said slowly, "and spending time with you makes me happy, and if you were ever gone I'd feel very sad and miss you terribly. So, I mean, maybe I _am _starting to love you," she breathed, stunned by this revelation.

"Mm. But see, you could be just saying that, and setting me up for a fall. I'd _like _to believe you mean it, but I know you too well," he murmured, twirling the stem of his glass in his fingers and sounding rather cautious.

She barely heard him, running through things in her head. When they'd met? He'd kissed her hand, and she'd felt flattered. Whenever the group all went out to a restaurant? He held the door, and she always felt herself smiling. When she'd gotten bored with Ashuraou, and considered who she should seduce for entertainment? Bishamonten had popped up in her mind's eye immediately.

When they'd gotten it on in the whirlpool? It had been _dynamite_. When Ashuraou had proposed? She hadn't felt quite as triumphant as she'd thought she would. When Bishamonten had stolen a kiss while Ashuraou's back was turned? She'd felt a blush rise on her cheeks, which Ashuraou had wondered about. When Bishamonten had blindfolded her? She'd trusted that he wouldn't do something she wasn't okay with.

So no, it wasn't some huge, obvious love, but maybe it could _become _that. On the other hand, she'd worked hard to make Ashuraou propose to her, and he'd been the one to shower her with gifts. Dumping him for his friend honestly wasn't something she wanted to do. But the way things were now was working, very well in fact, and tons of people married to someone they didn't love fooled around with someone they _did._

"Bishamonten," she told him firmly, "I can't break this off with Ashuraou, he has what I need. At the same time, yes, I think I just might love you. So you can be the – the back door man, in the former sense of the term, not the porn sense."

"I should hope so," he muttered in offense. "Disgusting."

"We can run off whenever Ashuraou's not around, and _you _know I don't love him," she continued, seizing one of his hands. "Surely you'll agree that draining him of every cent he's got is a worthwhile goal for me to have?"

"I understand completely," he smirked in triumph. "How could I ask you to just give that up? If our positions were reversed, _I _probably wouldn't, you know it's true. But certainly, we can run to each other whenever he's not looking. A love affair in the shadows is the thing epics are made of, after all."

"We really _are_ well-matched," she grinned proudly. "We understand each other perfectly."

He leaned up, pulling her down so her lips hovered right above his, and purred, "Shashi… you're _mine_ now, you know. He'll marry you, but _I'll _keep your heart. And half the fun of it is how he'll never know."

With that he kissed her, a slow, skilled meeting of mouths, and she tangled her fingers in his hair, because that was what one _did _in this situation. Yup, hair was important for such love declarations! Bald men were missing out, he thought smugly as he reciprocated her actions. When they finally drew apart, he kept his hand in chocolate strands, and told her, "I want to hear you say it. Tell me what I want to hear, my lover."

"I love you," she said with an almost evil smile. "And guess what? I'm getting turned on again. Put that wine down before it gets spilled on the sheets, and I just had a great thought: we can screw in Ashuraou's bed once I move in with him! Ha!"

"Genius," he chuckled, doing as he requested. "That's what you call irony, right there: cheating on the man you married with the man you love, in the very bed he sleeps in. If I believed in Hell I'd say we're headed for it, but I don't so we'll win at life. Anyway, let's get it on. Again."

"So are you going to insist we make love now?" she asked him rather sarcastically. "Tender and slow and filled with whispered words of adoration? That doesn't do it for me, not as well."

"Oh, I think not," he purred, sliding the sheet down. "We can just have sex so mind-blowing, it'll make Ashuraou look like a boy at his first time."  
.

It was two months later, and the wedding was a month and a half away. Ashuraou was still being pursued by Taishakuten, Dvaadash and the other eleven cousins were still stewing, and Zouchouten and Koumokuten were waffling over whether or not they should tie Ashuraou to a chair, and _make _him listen to the reasons why it was a bad idea to marry Shashi. They were all stressed, Ashuraou most of all because of the wedding planning in addition to Taishakuten… but Shashi hardly seemed stressed at all.

In fact, at this moment, she was as un-stressed as could be, sprawled naked on a luxurious, silk-sheeted bed after a most excellent sex session. If you're stressed in an afterglow, you're doing something wrong.

"Oh, Bishamonten," she sighed happily, closing her eyes in post-orgasmic bliss, "it really is true… it feels _better _when you love someone. I used to think that was just a myth, and that nothing could top my one night stand with porn star Stellan Studsworth."

These words were music to Bishamonten's ears, and he said as much before he gave her a long smooch. She _loooved_ him, and that was so far the best knowledge he'd ever had. He texted her little poems and praise all the time and she did the same to him; she emailed him her fantasies mixed in with how much she missed him, and he fulfilled each and every one to the best of his abilities; and he bought her small, unobtrusive but expensive gifts, such as diamond stud earrings that Ashuraou mistakenly thought he'd given her.

But it wasn't enough. It was still cheating in the shadows, dammit, when he wanted to be flaunting their love to the world. Yes, he wanted to walk into fancy restaurants with Shashi on his arm, he wanted to be invited places as a couple, and he wanted to fill Ashuraou full of lead, but that last one wasn't smart.

Bishamonten allowed himself an escape to a glorious vision, that of striding into Ashuraou's house while he and Shashi were snuggling on the couch, ripping the unsuspecting man away and punching him, then grabbing Shashi and informing him, "I'm stealing your fiancée, Ashuraou. She loves _me_, not you, and I love her too!" Then he and Shashi would kiss right in front of the horrified dunce, before walking out to door to go make love under a nice sunset, somewhere there weren't a lot of bugs.

And why not, his covetous personality suddenly demanded. Why should _Ashuraou _get to live with Shashi and have sex with her every night, and the man she loved would have to sneak around and be lucky if he could boink her once a week? After all, it would be very stupid of him to show up at their house, since the servants and gatehouse guard would tell Ashuraou exactly who'd popped up with no invitation. Bishamonten loved Shashi and she loved him back, and if it were money and fancy things she wanted, well, he could give her those too, in spades. He could compete with Ashuraou in the gifts department, probably beat him actually, and then it would all be good.

So he kissed her forehead, then took one of her hands in both of his as he passionately told her, "I love you, Shashi, and I want you to marry _me_. Dump Ashuraou and be _my _wife!"

She stared at him in surprise, unable to say anything, and he immediately pressed his advantage as he coaxingly asked, "What if we eloped to the Caribbean? What if we moved to my waterfront vacation mansion and spent all our time having sex and drinking mimosas? And lording it over the maids?" he added, knowing the way to her heart.

She thought on that for a while. Those were pretty compelling reasons for eloping, and truly, she wouldn't have been very happy being married to Ashuraou, now that she actually loved Bishamonten. She'd been set to do it, but hey, if he were offering a way out, she'd be a fool not to take it. But first, to toy with him a bit because that was fun.

So she pouted her perfect red lips and sighed, "Oh Bishie, I wish I could, but you know what a scandal it would be."

"Scandal be damned, my dear," he said forcefully, pulling her close. "They can say what they want, but once we're on Isla de Norte, there's nothing they can do about it."

"Oh Bishie, that's so true, but I'll miss Kahra," she lamented, fighting off a giggle at his manly tone and frown.

"I thought Kahra often annoyed you. How many times have you said that she's too shy, too much of a pushover, too gullible, too wimpy, too unobservant, and too accepting of differences? That last one is a major character flaw, because everyone who's not attractive, intelligent, and thinks the same way we do is inferior."

"Oh Bishie, that's all so true too, but how are we going to break the news to Ashuraou without him trying to kill you?"

"How about we simply leave and he figures it out himself? Shashi, if you're going to say 'no,' just say it already," he huffed, failing to hide his acute disappointment.

"Oh Bishie, I was just teasing you," she tittered, twirling a strand of his hair around her finger. "Of course I'll elope to Isla de Norte with you! But I want to bring as many of my expensive things with me as I can," she said seriously, but he barely noticed because he was too busy beaming.

YES! He'd done it! Bishamonten Bertram Northward was king of the world! And Shashi Ruby Queenling was his chosen consort, who had given him a gift better than that Mercedes when he'd turned sixteen. He kissed her so hard and for so long that she became short of breath, and had to frantically push him away as she gasped, "Air, Bishie. Let me breathe, please."

"Sorry, Shashi darling. Now… how shall we do it?"

And so they hatched their plan. It was a mean plan, and a brilliant one too. And after running through it a couple times, they'd made it even more brilliant with additions and backup plans as well. Yup, it would work like a charm unless there were some unexpected obstacles, but with a lot of preparation and a little luck, they'd be halfway to Isla de Norte before Ashuraou suspected Shashi had run off with another man instead of being kidnapped, or something.

"Bishamonten," Shashi giggled proudly, "he'll never know what hit him!"

"No he won't," he laughed back. "And when he looks back on it, he'll have to admit that we were so smart, he never had a chance against us."  
.

That weekend, Bishamonten found himself playing golf with Koumokuten and Zouchouten, at the very country club the wedding reception would be held at. His golf game was a little off, and no wonder, because he'd been frantically running around getting things prepared for the elopement. Add to that the stress of needing to appear completely unsuspicious, and it was no wonder that he was in last place. He sighed defeatedly as his putt missed the hole again, and cursed Koumokuten's mean little laugh.

"What's wrong, Bishamonten?" Zouchouten asked kindly, such a contrast to Koumokuten. "You seem a little out of it today. Is it something Koumokuten or I did?"

"No no, of course it's not," Bishamonten smiled, lining up for the next putt. "It's the heat, my friend, and the humidity. You know me, I do best when it's cooler."

Which was true; he liked winter when most people hated it, but who would turn down living in the Caribbean? With air conditioning and a house on the water he'd be just fine – until the sea level rose from climate change, but oh well, he'd be safe for a couple decades at least. And then they'd just build a new mansion farther up the beach.

"Boy, it sure is hot," Koumokuten agreed, wiping sweat from his brow. "Hurry up and sink that putt, then we can hopefully hit our balls into the shade. Ugh, I don't even wanna know how hot my car'll be when we get back! I mean, I got one of those windshield cover things, but a black Maserati in the summer is a heat trap. I knew I shoulda driven the convertible today, like you did, Zou. Bish, you gonna go or what?"

Bishamonten blinked, dispelling a vision of getting freaky with Shashi on the hood of his car (in his garage, duh). He smiled glibly and replied, "I'm sorry Koumokuten, could you repeat that? I was thinking of something else."

"I asked if you were gonna get your ass in gear and go already," Koumokuten sneered, and Bishamonten sent him a nasty look but obediently tapped the golf ball. Alas, it missed the hole again, this time by even more than last time. Stupid Koumokuten, forcing Bishamonten to putt when he wasn't ready to!

"You _are _out of it," Koumokuten sighed, now putting his hands on his hips. "You're worse than Shashi today! But I'd still rather play with you than her, because she always demands to go first and cheats. I hate that woman so much."

"Shashi is a manipulative wench with an entitlement complex the size of Alaska, and no morals to speak of. She's a bitch, and she'll make Ashuraou miserable. I wish she would get hit by a bus," Bishamonten lied matter-of-factly, the better to throw them off the scent with.

Zouchouten smiled, obviously pleased that his pal supposedly thought just like he did, but Koumokuten frowned suspiciously and pointed out, "I thought you kinda liked her. After all, you've been so nice to the slut, and she seems to like you."

"Ha, good, my act is working," Bishamonten chuckled, finally sinking that stupid ball. "I've found it's better to make someone think you like them when you don't, because that way, they don't think of you as an enemy. So, while I'm ready to stab her in the back at the drop of a hat, she thinks I'm her friend, and thus might let something damning slip. I can assure you that if I ever get evidence of an affair or embezzling of poor Ashuraou's funds, he'll know as soon as I do."

Zouchouten grinned at that, and chuckled, "Awesome. And it's only a matter of time, with a woman like that."

But Koumokuten, being a sneaky person himself, wasn't fully buying Bishamonten's statements. Was it possible, as outlandish as it seemed, that the youngest of their little trio was attracted to Ashuraou's fiancée? And if that were true, was it possible that there had been some boinkage involved, Shashi being Shashi?

It was possible, if not probable, Koumokuten decided as they all moved along the green. He wouldn't put anything past Shashi, and Bishamonten, after all, wasn't a very nice man. Oh sure, he smiled at Ashuraou and had seemed tickled pink to be chosen as the best man, but Koumokuten knew Bishamonten very well, and the redhead had indicated himself that he was good at being two-faced. So Koumokuten decided that further observation was needed, and if he got confirmation, he would save Ashuraou in a dramatic manner. Maybe by standing on a table in a restaurant and shouting the news to the entire room, pointing at Shashi and Bishamonten like a witch-hunter.

_Heh. That's funny, because she's a witch, _Koumokuten thought with a mental snigger, ever so proud of his exceedingly obvious little joke.  
.

And now, let us observe the wedding ceremony of Ashuraou Goldfire and Shashi Queenling, which needless to say was not going to end like ninety-nine percent of weddings did. The sky outside the cathedral was perfect, which made Shashi relieved because if her plane had been delayed by bad weather, Ashuraou might have caught up to them and tried to kill Bishamonten. All the necessary arrangements had been arranged, and now, it was only a matter of carrying them out. With a little luck, they would go off without a hitch, she thought as she set foot in the cathedral, with her wedding dress in its plastic covering in hand.

She sailed for the bridal dressing rooms with her twin sister Kahra in tow, but soon Kahra turned pink and said as casually as she could, "You go ahead Shashi, I'll be right there. I just remembered something I left in my car," she lied with a smile, and Shashi bought it.

"All right, Kahra, but make it snappy," the bride ordered, continuing on her way. Hmph, that Kahra, always wasting time on some silly thing or another.

But this time, it was not a silly thing, nor was it something she had forgotten in her car. No, Kahra had caught sight of the organist, who had caught sight of her too. They'd talked a lot at the rehearsal and a couple times before, and they'd hit it off.

Kumaraten Undergrave was just _so _friendly, attentive, and handsome, Kahra thought with another blush as he smiled at her. He seemed to have a definite attraction to her, and she suddenly decided that she should stop trying to deny hers. She wasn't taking the focus off Shashi if she let Kumaraten flirt with her and ask her out! In fact, maybe Shashi would think this was cute, if Kahra ended up eventually getting engaged to Kumaraten: her twin had met her man at her sister's wedding. So movie-perfect, Kahra's romantic mind sighed as Kumaraten came purposefully towards her.

"What a beautiful day," he said warmly, and she nodded in agreement. "Your sister couldn't have asked for a better one. And yet, Ms. Queenling, I think –"

"Oh, please call me Kahra, Kumaraten," she hastily interrupted. " 'Ms. Queenling' is just way too formal."

"Kahra, then," he agreed with another perfect smile, making parts of her heart melt. "Kahra, I think this cathedral is just as beautiful as the day outside… especially this part that you're standing in."

"Oh! That's so – that's so sweet of you," she floundered happily, giddy with joy that he was actually hitting on her. They smiled at each other like idiots for a moment, until finally she collected herself enough to say, "And I think wherever you're standing is bound to be more attractive because of your presence, too. I, um… you know, I don't have anything going on this weekend," she hinted with a sledgehammer, which was more than she'd ever done before.

"You poor woman. I have an idea: why don't you let me take you out to dinner?" he suggested brightly, such a contrast to his usual gloomy, grouchy, and downright angsty demeanor. Yup, love can turn even emo dudes into happy people, even if it is near the anniversary of their whole family dying from a freak yacht collision, while Kumaraten had been out buying groceries.

Kahra excitedly accepted his offer, pulling out her phone with a fervent, "Of course I'll go out to dinner with you. Does Saturday work, maybe around six?"

"Sure. I'll pick you up, if you'll give me your address and number."

She was more than willing to do that, and he was more than willing to give her his too. Then the spell was broken as Dvaadash walked by and muttered, "Shouldn't you be getting ready?", thus making Kahra bid Kumaraten a hasty farewell, but they kept turning to look at each other as they walked away. Dvaadash noted this, and thought to himself, _Well, __that__ sister won't harass __his__ cousins, I'd bet my life on it._

When Kahra reached the bridal changing rooms, Kuyou answered the door to her knock and proclamation of who she was, and greeted her with a soft, "Oh good, there you are. Shashi was beginning to get worried."

Kuyou had cried all her tears the night before, and now she was numb. Life had little meaning right now, and while she knew that eventually she'd bounce back, today she was just going through the motions. Kahra felt indescribably sorry for her, and privately thought that she would have been a much better wife than Shashi, but oh well, there was nothing Shashi's twin could really do, save send her an encouraging smile. Which, of course, Kuyou couldn't see, so Kahra surreptitiously squeezed her hand in sympathy.

Soon the bridesmaids were all ready, and one by one went off to look around the cathedral, flirt with the male members of the wedding party and ushers, and in Kuyou's case, to use the restroom. Kahra and Shashi were the only ones left, and Shashi said seriously, "Kahra, today is the most important day of my life."

"Yes it is, Shashi," Kahra said firmly. "Ashuraou loves you so much, after all."

As Shashi agreed and said something about her own love, Kahra couldn't help but think that things were not as they seemed. For Kahra, who was very observant and knew her sister better than anyone, had the distinct idea that Shashi might be cheating with Bishamonten. She wholeheartedly hoped she wasn't, and she herself just had an overactive imagination, but she couldn't help but think –

There was a knock on the door, and Kahra opened it to see no one less than Bishamonten himself, smiling at her with a glib, "Oh good, just the person I wanted to see. Kahra, Ashuraou's all in a panic because the ring bearer fell down and bumped his head, and is wailing that he wants to go home. You're good with children, can't you go soothe him? Ashuraou also sent me over here with some things to say to Shashi, since as you know, he's not allowed to see her until she walks up the aisle."

Well, Kahra decided, even if her suspicions were correct, surely nothing could happen while they were both dressed in their finest. Shashi certainly wasn't going to take off that dress and have to put it all on again! And really, this was only about three minutes they'd have to themselves, and if Bishamonten came out with lip gloss on his face, then Kahra would throw a bitchfit.

So she smiled, "Of course. I'll be right back."

The second she was gone, Bishamonten shut the door with an anticipatory grin, and locked it too. And of course… something happened.

When Kahra came back three minutes and twenty-two seconds later, Bishamonten was just opening the door to leave, looking a tad flushed, but then again it _was _hot in here. She surreptitiously checked his face for signs of lip gloss, but nada. And Shashi's outfit was completely in place, not even the veil was crooked, so Kahra scolded herself for being so paranoid. See, nothing was going on, they were just friends, and while Kahra now believed it… if all that were true, Santa was real.

Kahra continued with the last-minute preparations, often getting distracted by thinking about Kumaraten, and by the time the bridal party was all lined up to go, she had decided that she would wear sexy underwear on that dinner date, just in case. Of course, she'd have to buy some first, but Shashi would be more than willing to help her pick such lingerie out. Shashi, after all, was wearing a lacy thong right now, in addition to the standard garter.

Soon the organ was played and the female half of the wedding party began their walk, down the aisle to male half. Dvaadash and the rest sent Bishamonten, Taishakuten, Zouchouten, and Koumokuten nasty looks, which the first three ignored and Koumokuten responded to with a condescending, "Nyah-nyah" smile. Bishamonten was being as cool as possible on this most important occasion, and so was Taishakuten, for a different yet rather similar reason.

Taishakuten too had a plan. This plan was to wait until Ashuraou went off to use the restroom at the reception, follow him, back him against a wall, and confess his love, then order him to let Taishakuten blow him. And what man would turn down a blowjob? Then when he was done, surely Ashuraou would realize that Taishakuten was really the one for him, and he'd walk back into the ballroom on Taishakuten's arm, and proclaim to everyone there that he was annulling his marriage to Shashi and marrying her best friend instead. Thankfully, this state had legalized same-sex marriage, and Taishakuten believed that they had done so just to make him happy.

As Shashi began her walk now, she smiled serenely at Ashuraou, then chanced a casual glance over at Bishamonten. Ho-ho-ho, they were so close to their goal!

_I blew him in the dressing room, Ashuraou, _she thought smugly as she took stately, measured steps. _Isn't that kinky? With the veil on, too. Ha-ha-ha!_

Wow. Give the woman a hand, she'd just won the award for Sluttiest Bride of 2013! And her dress certainly wouldn't get that prize taken away from her, uh-uh. It featured a corset… technically. The low-cut cups were there, as was the band that connected them, but after that, her belly and ribcage were covered only by thin vertical strips reinforced by whalebone, and the lacing that attached to these strips. The skirt was little better: slinky and silk, with a long train yes but a long slit up the front, above her knees. This was the sort of a dress a porn star would get married in, and needless to say, everyone in that audience who liked women was paying rapt attention as she walked down the aisle.

She reached Ashuraou, the organ stopped playing, and Bishop Bob began his greeting, liberally sprinkling in God the Father, God the Son, and the Holy Spirit, which needless to say made those atheists in the pews smile fixedly, and try not to think nasty thoughts about religious stupidity while they were at a wedding. That wasn't the nice thing to do, even they did realize the invalidity of such beliefs.

_Blah blah blah blah blah,_ Bishamonten himself thought dismissively at the reading. _Oh well, eventually he'll shut up_.

And after a very long time, he did indeed, then uttered that fateful statement: "And if anyone knows why this man and this woman should not be joined in holy matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace."

He was completely unprepared for the sudden holler of "I know why!" Every head in the cathedral turned to stare at Koumokuten, who mounted the altar with an "off the chain" look on his face.

"She's a fucking hooker!" he yelled, pointing a denunciatory finger at the bride. "She's gonna get pregnant just to demand child support, and she's a lying slut who slept with the best man!"

Ashuraou swelled with rage as Shashi gasped in feigned hurt, and Bishamonten adopted a look of insulted innocence. Why, Koumokuten was insane! He needed some help, and the bride and best man would _never _do such an _awful _thing to Shashi's honeybunchkins. Find this poor crazy person a straightjacket, and they'd make sure to visit him in the mental ward.

"How _dare _you insult my beloved Shashi like that!" Ashuraou snarled, as Zouchouten ran up the altar too and clapped a hand over Koumokuten's mouth. "I'm going to punch you if you don't take that back!"

How humiliating! Ruining the most important day of a man's life (so far), and insinuating that he couldn't hold onto his fiancée… Koumokuten was going to _pay_, Ashuraou vowed, clenching his fists. Even if he apologized and grinned, "Just kidding! We're on 'America's Funniest Home Videos,' and I'll split the prize money with you."

"Don't punch _me_," Koumokuten snapped, prying Zouchouten's hand away, "punch _him! _I saw 'em at the rehearsal dinner! She went off to 'use the restroom,' and so did he a minute later, and I was suspicious so I followed him, and he banged her in a stand-up behind a pillar!"

As Shashi and Bishamonten paled, Ashuraou snapped completely. Koumokuten only had time to widen his eyes before two hundred pounds of furious groom hit him like a ton of bricks, sending him crashing on his back onto the floor, ow. A huge gasp went up from the guests, the wedding party, the clergy, and the press, which immediately began filming and snapping pictures.

Koumokuten shrieked like a little girl and tried to shove Ashuraou off of him, which only made Ashuraou madder. His hands around the unfortunate messenger's neck, he barely noticed Zouchouten trying to pull him off. And inevitably, somebody kicked Zouchouten in the shin, sending him down too. So it was a three-way wrestling match, as Bishop Bob pleaded for a halt to it: Zouchouten would yank Ashuraou back, Ashuraou would bring Koumokuten with him, somebody would try to roll away, limbs would flail willy-nilly, and if this didn't end up on YouTube five minutes from now, Kahra thought faintly, she would be incredibly surprised.

Bishamonten observed it all with a frown, torn between kicking Koumokuten in the teeth so he couldn't say any more, and loudly protesting that it was all lies, filthy lies! As he thought all that, Bishop Bob approached Ashuraou and Co. with his crosier held up, possibly to whack them into submission.

Well, _this _was throwing a wrench in the plans to sneak away at the reception and no mistake. Bishamonten pondered what his next move should be as Bishop Bob went down, felled by Koumokuten's left leg. Should they try to have the ceremony continue with such evidence that things weren't as they seemed? Or should they utilize Backup Plan B, which involved screaming that there was a gunman in the cathedral and running while everybody hit the deck?

Shashi herself had had the foresight to snatch the rings from the ring bearer; she and Bishamonten could sell them and they'd fetch a phenomenal price. She nimbly avoided the ball of tuxedo-clad fury that was Koumokuten, Ashuraou, and Zouchouten, but uh-oh… Taishakuten was giving her a speculative look and rolling up his sleeves, like he was prepared to put her into a headlock until all this was sorted out.

So, as the bridesmaids all huddled on the far side of the altar with their eyes wide, she took a deep breath and screamed, "STOP!"

Ashuraou paused in the act of beating Koumokuten's head against the marble floor. Zouchouten paused in the act of trying to pull him off. Koumokuten was just glad things had halted, and shook his head to clear his swimming vision. Bishop Bob whimpered on the floor, Taishakuten cocked his head and waited, and Bishamonten started to sidle towards Shashi, having a good idea where this was going.

"Ashuraou pookums," she said in a martyred tone, "Koumokuten deserves to be thrown into traffic for insulting me like that! Oh, honeybunchkins…" she simpered, and he started to smile in relief before she finished with, "But he was right!"

With that, she tossed the bouquet at his face, and jumped into Bishamonten's arms like some sort of pre-rehearsed dance number. As Ashuraou sputtered with rose petals in his mouth, Bishamonten slung the bride over his shoulder and hoofed it down the main aisle, with a triumphant, "So long!"

Stunned guests made no move to block his way, too riveted by this sight. But oh dear, this aisle was damn long, as was only natural in a cathedral. So when he reached the first cross-aisle he turned down that one, having seen a side door there. Yes!

"I tooold yooouuu!" Koumokuten howled as Bishamonten banged the door open. "You thought I was lying! You tackled me for telling the truth, you cuckolded dickhead!"

As the side door slammed shut, the spell was broken. Pandemonium reigned in the Cathedral of Saint Kendappa the Eternally Chaste, and Bishop Bob gave up and fainted. Ashuraou himself flew down the aisles in pursuit of his runaway bride, with Taishakuten hot on his heels. Zouchouten offered a hand to the battered Koumokuten, who took it with a smug look on his face, as Kahra bawled into her hands for her sister's shameful acts. Kuyou just stood there beaming, because life had meaning again! Kumaraten emitted a long, low whistle, shaking his head in dazed disgust.

And Dvaadash and the rest of the cousins raced after Ashuraou, Dvaadash thinking to himself, _I warned you about her, Ashuraou!_

The groom, the ushers, the best friend, and the press reached the parking lot just in time to see Bishamonten slam the passenger's side door of Shashi's Jaguar shut. The sounds of Nelly Furtado and Timbaland singing about promiscuous girls and boys blasted from the stereo with the push of a button, making Taishakuten laugh hysterically as the Jaguar peeled out of the parking lot, leaving smoking rubber behind it. Yup, it was all about the little details to make it perfect.

The song faded as the Jaguar zoomed away, making a screeching turn towards the private airfield. As the betrayed and horrified Ashuraou watched, the driver's side window opened and the expensive veil was tossed out. It immediately blew into the windshield of the car that had just turned onto the first street, which veered out of control for a dizzying second, then managed to screech to a halt.

Every head turned to look at the duped Ashuraou, who stared into space for a moment, then fell to his knees, raising his arms to the sky with a tortured scream of "SHA-_SHIII!_"

"_Stell-AAA!" _Dvaadash couldn't help but think, having just attended a production of "A Streetcar Named Desire" two days ago. Damn, this was like something out of a movie, the bride running off with the best man from the very altar. He was _so _putting this whole thing on Facebook, with lots of proclaiming that he'd known all along that Shashi was bad news.

"Mr. Goldfire! Did you have any idea of this?!" a reporter demanded, sticking a mic in Ashuraou's haggard face.

"Mr. Goldfire! Did you fully trust Mr. Northward?!" another yelled, doing the same.

"How do you feel about beating up the ugly guy _now?_"

"What will you say to her parents?"

"Why did you propose to such a liar in the first place?"

"Will you be pursuing them?"

And so on and so forth. Taishakuten, seeing a chance to be manly and protective, shoved forwards with a firm, "Now now, he's had a dreadful shock, and he has no comment. Please –"

"You can interview _me! _I'll tell you all about her bad points," Dvaadash offered selflessly, and the other eleven piped up with, "Me too!", "I know all about her!", "She swung a golf club at the statue my wife and I gave him!", "She almost ran my cat over!", "She slapped my crying son in the face!", and even "I knew all along she was having an affair with the redheaded guy!" That last one was untrue, but it was the winning statement.

An hour later at the country club, Ashuraou and Company were still trying to piece together how Shashi and Bishamonten had A: fallen in love, B: hidden such a thing for so long, and C: orchestrated their escape so flawlessly despite the surprise, because it had to have been prepared, no one would just run off like that without some prior planning.

Shashi had had all her swag packed up to move anyway, so she'd merely had it shipped to the Caribbean, something Ashuraou would discover when he showed up at her house to try to get some of the gifts back. Nope, even the nice furniture would be gone, and all the jewelry except what she'd been wearing was already on its way. Bishamonten too had shipped off what he'd wanted to take with him, and while he would lose one suitcase of pricy clothes, he'd be able to have his cake and eat it, too.

Ashuraou had been hoodwinked like few men before him, and so had almost everyone else. Taishakuten had to admit that even he, who was supposed to be close to Shashi like a brother, had had no idea of her affair with Bishamonten. Shashi's parents were the same, and were horrified and terribly embarrassed. Kahra was now kicking herself for not following her suspicions, and Ashuraou's parents were loudly railing to anyone who would listen that Shashi and Bishamonten had cruelly ruined their son's life.

And the worst part, as the police had been quick to stress, was that they hadn't actually done anything _illegal_. Immoral yes, and maybe if Shashi had married Ashuraou and married Bishamonten in the Caribbean they could have gotten her on a bigamy charge, but since the ceremony hadn't concluded that was out.

The rings _were_ missing, as Zouchouten had hopefully pointed out. But alas, no one knew what had happened to them, as the ringbearer had been too busy watching Koumokuten get beaten up to notice Shashi palming them, just like everybody else. For all anyone knew, they'd rolled away and an unscrupulous guest had pocketed them. So the charge of theft was nullified too, without compelling evidence.

"Well, Mr. Goldfire," one annoyed officer finished, "you've just wasted our time. Your ex-fiancée lied to you and cheated, but she didn't break any laws. Of course that was a horrible thing to do, but I see no evidence of _illegal _wrongdoing. You have a nice day now."

With that passive-aggressive goodbye, they were off, as the exceedingly pitiable Ashuraou collapsed into the chair Dvaadash hastily shoved under him. Good God, there was nothing the poor man could do about this! And he was in for some more trouble too, because of what he'd done to the whistle-blowing Koumokuten.

The list of Koumokuten's injuries was as follows: a severe concussion and cracked skull, two black eyes, a split lower lip, three cracked ribs, a broken nose, a broken arm, and bruising simply everywhere. He looked like he'd tangled with a bull and lost, and the nurses who didn't know the story thought he'd been mugged by at least two people. He would be hospitalized for three days, and his nose would never be fully straight again.

But he had big, big plans to get even. In fact, while Ashuraou was being interviewed by the police, Koumokuten had called his lawyer, who had fervently agreed that this could be the aggravated assault lawsuit to end all aggravated assault lawsuits. And dude, there were numerous witnesses, many of which had recorded the beat-down on their phones. Koumokuten planned to ask for thirty-five million, minimum, and he was going to press charges tomorrow.

Unaware of his upcoming loss of assets, Ashuraou was sitting at a table at the wedding reception, burying his face in his hands as Zouchouten, Dvaadash, and Taishakuten attempted to find a bright side to all of this. The rest of the guests and wedding party noshed on the catered food and the cake, since the caterers had made it clear that they'd done the work so they were going to get paid anyway, and it would be a shame to let all that food go to waste. Needless to say, Shashi and Bishamonten's dramatic elopement was the topic on everyone's lips.

"I'll bet right now," Dvaadash said solemnly, trying to cheer poor Ashuraou up, "she's scheming how to steal his possessions and run off to Venice. Really."

He didn't honestly believe that, and he was completely correct in his disbelief. Nope, at that very moment Shashi and Bishamonten were joining the Mile High Club in the bedroom of his private jet, after toasting each other with pricy champagne. The wedding dress she'd demanded Ashuraou buy her was lying crumpled on the floor, and she couldn't have cared less right then.

"Bishamonten," she panted in ecstasy, "this is so delightfully perfect!"

"It'll be perfect forever," he panted back. "We'll never have to go back to America if we don't want to, and Ashuraou can cry all he wants, he's lost you and he's never getting you back, because you're _mine_ now."

"Oh, _Bishamonten!_"

"Oh, _Shashi!_"

"Oh hell, Ashuraou," Zouchouten was saying right then, "I think you should be _glad _about this. I mean, do you really want to be married to somebody who could cheat on you with your best man? And be so manipulative she had an escape all planned out, while she was smiling at you and made you buy her so many things? Personally, I think you need to find someone else, someone much better. Like Kuyou, for example."

"But I _liked _Shashi!" Ashuraou downright wailed, with his head still in his hands. "I'll miss her, even though I'm furious at her! She was going to be the mother of my children!"

"Don't worry, Ashuraou," Taishakuten smirked, patting him on the shoulder and making him glare. "You've always got _me_."

**End**

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(AN: Yeah, _this_ time going with the idea that Pointy Ears only let Tai bang him because it was part of the deal, not because he secretly lurved him. Honestly, I myself see no evidence of Lord Ashura being in love with him, but lots of evidence that he'd do _anything _to change destiny. But for those of you who only read this for them… yes, I have written them as interested in each other and sometimes as partners in other installments of this bigass project. You can only ignore canon so much, after all.

Now obviously, I don't own Enrique Iglesias's "Escape." The song _sounds _really good, but it's a stalker song, seriously. So it fits for Taishakuten, who'll do absolutely anything to get what he wants. And you all remember "Promiscuous," right? That song used to be everywhere [okay, everywhere in the U.S.] maybe eight or so years ago. But it so totally fits.

"Dvaadash" means "twelve" in Sanskrit. You may recall that I gave the Twelve Generals' leader the codename of "Twelve" in "Tenkai City." "Le sud" means "south" in French.

And now, cue the begging for reviews. People, please, tell me what you thought! If my work is bad, tell me why so I can improve it, and I promise not to hide your comments or yell at you through typing. If my work is good, tell me why too, so I know what to keep doing. Obviously I'm doing a lot of things wrong, when only three people on this site read the last AU oneshot I posted, and only one person has voted on the poll I have in my profile, the goal of which is to see what pairings people want more of. I must have pissed this fandom off, but I don't know how. So please, tell me just why you're all sick of my work and I'll try to fix it.

The next chapter I'll post for this fic will bring it up to an M rating, so please do remember to filter with that in mind. However, I want to finish stories for other couples before I finish another one here, so you'll be waiting a while for the Bishashi smex and Bisshouten smooching.)


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